Baby Bucket List Update (Warning! a bit personal)

Hey guys,

Went to see my psychosexual therapist (for my vaginismus) today...
and i'm seeing her once more then i'm done! So That's one thing crossed off my baby bucket list! I'm so excited! not just coz I love crossing things off lists but because I can see progress. I love progress.
Vaginismus is very common yet not many people know about it, which is one of the reasons I talk about it on my blog. I'm not one to keep things a secret, I also believe that women should be able to admit it without fear of stigma. Society needs a redress when it comes to attitudes on sexuality.
I'm lucky that I married such a wonderful man so I didn't really have the issue of the spouse pressuring/ making you feel guilty coz your vajayjay refuses to let anything in.
Luckily, my vaginismus is not that severe as to leave us uncomsumated but some marriages are.
I've been working on this since october 2009 so quite early into marriage. I'm so happy that a month till our 1st marriage anniversary, i've 'graduated' from my therapist.
Yay!

Recipe: Bacon & Butternut Squash Risotto

Happy Monday all!
I love this recipe and thought to share it with you. I have tweaked it but was originally found in the Slimming World Extra Easy Cookbook.

It serves 4, freezer friendly

Ingredients

1 leek, washed finely chopped
198g lean bacon, chopped into chunks
4 garlic gloves, peeled and finely chopped
255g dried risotto rice
397g butternut squash, deseeded and chopped into small chunks
852ml boiling hot chicken stock (you can use stock cubes)
salt and pepper
4 tb finely chopped chives.

tweaks
a dash of lemon
a dash of either dry white wine or dry sherry
as much parmesan as you'd like.


Method

Heat a large, non-stick pan over a medium heat ( if you haven't got non-stick use fry light spray to coat your pan). Add the leek & bacon. Stir-fry for 3-4 minutes.

Add the garlic, rice , lemon juice , wine/sherry and butternut squash and stir-fry for 2-3 mins.

Add a ladleful of stock and stir, cook till liquid is absorbed. Repeat adding ladlefuls at a time until half the stock is used up.


Continue to cook in this way until all stock is used up, and the rice is creamy but firm (al dente) make sure the squash is tender. This should take about 20 mins.
Remove from heat, season well (with s&p) Stir in chopped chives. Serve ladled into warmed bowls. Grate some parmesan cheese on top. Eat immediately.

I hope you enjoy this, It is easy, relatively quick and healthy.

Too Cute!

I'm a sucker for all things cute!
I was surfing my day away on youtube when I inadvertedly came across the whopper!




Have a wonderful Friday!!

I'm Enough.

So I've been reading this really great book called " I'm Not Wonder Woman But God Made Me Wonderful" by Sheila Walsh. I'm presently on Chapter 18, so towards the end. It really made me think about the unnecessary expectations that I let myself live with. I thought so hard that even Avon's Sleeptherapy Pillow Mist was unable to drift me to sleep. The more I thought of instances where I let myself feel inadequate the more angry I felt. So here I was at 1 in the morning unable to let go of my train of thought. I was occasionally interrupted by DH talking in his sleep but other than that, I was alone with my thoughts.

Ordinarily, I would have been glad but I knew the next day had me up early to face a group of hyper 5-12 year olds in Sunday school. I knew I had to get me some sleep. I decided to do what I do when i get pent up emotion like that. Write & Pray. So I wrote & wrote. Here is an excerpt from my journal:

I'm not smart enough, thin enough, Black enough, wife enough, kind enough, helpful enough, ambitious enough. smart enough.
Well I've had enough. Because my bible tells me that I'm enough because God made me who I am.

^13-16 Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother's womb.
I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I'd even lived one day.

Psalm 139 vs 13-16 (The Message)

I'm done making myself feel small because I constantly compare myself to others and seem to come up short. I'm tired of worrying about me not fulfilling my potential because I've gravitated away from the image of the freakishly smart kid. I'm not her anymore. Yes, some may tut because I may seem less verbose that i used to be but I'm grateful because I can actually enjoy playing scrabble for fun even if I don't win every game. I completed my degree and did it well. I still enjoy learning. That counts for more than just being that kid that everyone wouldn't play with because she corrected their grammar.

On being thin enough: I know I wasn't made to be skinny, I'll just concentrate on being healthy and loving myself.
Being Black enough: I'm Black. Yes I may not speak in a South London accent but I sure can keep it real like the rest of you. Being brought up in Surrey and eventually marrying an English man does not negate the fact that my roots lay in West Africa.

On being Ambitious enough: I admit that even visualising myself in the proverbial Rat Race makes me tired. It is the Boho Chic in me. At the same time anyone who knows me knows that whatever I do gets done well.

What this all comes down to is PERSPECTIVE.

Once I get that screwed up, I'm suddenly the lowest of the low. You may be shocked to know that most of the time, I'm happy. Even when DH wasn't getting paid even though e worked 70 hr weeks and we were dead broke, I was still happy because he would come home and we'd have a good laugh. Most days when I stand in front of my full length mirror, I'm content with my size 16 frame. Yet, I'm the same woman who's heart bleeds because a computer programme places her on the overweight/obese borderline. It is just crazy.

Your Perspective is very important.
Now if only I can choose to focus on my positives instead of zooming onto my negatives.
I'll be well on my way to being more self accepting and life would be a bunch of daises!
x

Recipe: Beef & Broccolli

DH & I truly enjoyed this recipe!
It is easy enough for those who aren't used to cooking but for those of us who love the kitchen, it has enough parts to satisfy your kitchen kraving (see the alliteration? lol) Below are the results from my attempt.

In the pan

Served-looking scrumptious!
Plate by: Emma Bridgewater (In case you're curious!)



Close-up of the dish

Do you know something else? It was quite satisfying for the bargain hunter within because I didn't have to write a cheque to Lucky House Chinese!

Update: This used to link to Pink Lady Gumbo's page but her website seems to have expired. I have linked a very similar one. the difference is I don't remember using corn starch.

Announcement: Comments issue FIXED.

Hello Everyone,

Unknown to me, my blog wasn't allowing comments!

This was pointed out to me by my new blog friend Pink Lady Gumbo. Thank goodness she did!

I spent a couple of frustrating moments trying to fix it and I succeeded. I'm so glad.

Well have a blast commenting, I'm looking forward to hearing from you!

x

My Baby Bucketlist

At the beginning of this blog, I talked about how I have been feeling the urge to procreate, Well I thought I was getting good at suppressing but the heart wants what the heart wants.
So,I've been prepping avidly for making our first baby. I've been reading a lot of young mum blogs and I have decided to write my baby bucket list.
Things to do before we TTC.

1) Move to a 2 bed flat - We'll be doing that next month
2) Get a Job - I just graduated from university so I need to work both for the experience and coz we need to save for the little one.
3) Get used to Baby Dancing a bit better - We've been married for 11 months and we only started BD'ing on honeymoon so we are still new to this, I want to ensure DH still gets some when the baby arrives.
4) Go on a fab vacation together - So we cross off at least one of the places we want to see on this earth.
5) Lose at least a stone.- I'm 2 stone overweight and I'd like to be fitter before I get pregnant mainly for the health of my baby and mine too.
6) Conquer Vaginismus - This a BIG one. I said earlier that we needed to get used to s*x a bit better, Well this is one of the factors of why we haven't just yet. I've been working on this since October 2009, I'm nearly there but I'd love to put it to rest before I bring a kid into the world.
7) Get off Birth Control - I've been on the pill since I was 17 mainly due to irregular periods and a suspected case of PCOS which I believe I don't have because my hormone levels are now normal although the cysts are still present on both ovaries, I would like to see my body come back to normal and so I can chart my cycle to see if I am Ovulating.

My bucketlist for my little one. Not long is it?
DH have set kick off time for June 2011, so for now i'm reading and researching everything about pregnancy and motherhood as well as trying to cross out things on my list.
Here begins the journey!
x

Date Night Friday

I was really pleased with our date night.

We dressed up, Me in one of my favourite Monsoon dresses twinned with a blazer, hair done up looking beautiful according to DH, DH looking equally dashing in a smart shirt. We walked to the Thai House Restaurant. We had amazing service and delicious food. After which we walked to the cinema, On the way there, We heard from our friend James and Miriam who recently moved away. They had their baby! Ava. Beautiful name for a beautiful baby!

I was so excited, I jumped around on the street in my silk dress!

Then We went to see Letters to Juliet. Starring Amanda Seyfried among others. I think it is worth seeing but then I am biased as I love anything to do with Shakespeare.

That ended our evening. We got home for 23.00 pm!

I think we need to keep going on date nights like that or maybe try something new.

Faith! - Happy Friday!

Just got back from an interview today... The interviewers were nice enough and I answered questions to the best of my ability at that time.. I looked back on my walk home and concluded that it wasn't my smoothest interview so far! But my DH said to me as I rang him to moan, he said "Have faith in yourself". That phrase is immense, on the job hunt you don't realise it but your confidence starts to slip. Today I just would like to dedicate one of my favourite songs to you job hunters out there, well it applies to everyone going through a tough time.

Have a happy Friday! Hubby and I are having a date night tonight so very excited!

Forgiving Your Father

This for me is a difficult post to write.

However, It is something that I need to do.

The bare thought of forgiving my father is one that feels like I'm betraying myself. I do know that it is necessary. Not just because I'm a Christian and Jesus says we should forgive others just as he forgives us, but because it will do me a lot of good in the long run. Personally, I know that Jesus has forgiven me for A LOT of things I have done. He did that willingly so why can't I forgive my dad? I'll tell you why. The hurt is so real and raw.

Things that happened when I was a child feel like they occurred yesterday. My dad to me is a nice guy when it suits him.

This is my father story.

When I was little my dad wasn't there, he left when I was 1. He divorced my mother at age 5 and then our lives were turned over when I was 8/9 and he returned to beg my mum for forgiveness, he wanted another chance. I was so excited to finally know of this fabled father. He bought all the toys I wanted from the Argos catalogue. He was a great dad even though he wasn't living with us still. My mum was my dad.

Everything changed in 1999 when my sister Hillary was born.

I remember one evening, We were over in England for the summer at my dad's house, my parents were arguing really loudly about the fact that my mum wanted to do the registration exams so she could work in England as a pharmacist. That was the evening I discovered Andrew Lloyd Webber, I played "Don't Cry For Me Argentina" whilst they argued, the next thing I knew, my dad says I don't want to find you here when I get back from work. So we left.

It was also this summer that my dad told me that it wasn't necessary to have birthdays and so I wouldn't be having one anymore.

After that things became really strained. He wanted total and utter control over everyone.

My dad was no longer the Santa Clause that he first appeared to be but the person that could make me feel really scared and intimidated. Fast forward through the years of drama and strained visits. When I left for university, I decided that I wasn't going to see him anymore but I endured tense phone calls and my dad just yelling at me about everything I did. He expected me to pick sides between him and my mum and didn't like it when I told him it was not my business, but between both of them.

In 2009, I decided not to answer his calls. I didn't like feeling scared because someone was going to ring me. I enjoyed my drama free life. However, my mum would nag me to call my dad. I got tired of refusing and in the end I let her know that I don't want to talk about it.

My parents came into their own and completely tainted my entire engagement period. I still hate them for that. A time when I was so happy was ruined my their incessant demands.

It was also a time to learn about life outside parental control. My mum nagged about letting my dad walk me down the aisle - something I felt he didn't deserve. I let him because it is a moment I can't do over - I don't want to be that horrible.

After the wedding, I was hoping for a new adult- adult relationship but like before he still isn't emotionally available. He's not the warm and cuddly dad most women have - very detached and formal. I haven't spoken to my dad for almost a year. In that time, he has tried to call 3 times, the 3rd time I answered and spoke to him.

I have tried so many times to forgive my dad but every time I think of him, my heart starts to pound - I still have that fear response attached to my dad. How can that be healthy? I dream of a time when I would have successfully dealt with all my father issues so I can actually be friends with him. I have images in my head of grabbing dinner with my dad. No tenseness. just laughter and ease. Maybe, Just Maybe.

After Graduation...What next?

Well I have to say that I cried today.

Mainly because I am fed up of the job hunting. Always coming 2nd. Is someone going to give me a chance to prove I'm a hardworker? My mum believes that when the right one comes along, they will. So here's hoping. meanwhile the job search continues.

I know i'm not the only one. There is still a backlog of 2009 graduates and 2010 has unleashed another load unto the job scene. When you get rejected for menial jobs and all your helpful temp agency keep giving you is "promotions assistant" read distributing flyers to the public, you know times are hard. But a job is a job and I'm grateful for my temp assignments, it allows me the luxury of date nights with DH and my friends.

I have secured an internship at a prestigious charity> it is unpaid(expenses only) but it did take 2 unsuccessful interviews to get it. They must like me. So that is sorted, I don't know where that could lead.

I'm still waiting for jobs to get back to me and I also have a couple of interviews in the pipeline. So I guess I am making progress, I just need a way to show that to myself so when my motivation wanes, I can look to see and raise my spirits.

Celebrate all that is good!

The Big Church Day Out 2010 was a total blast!

I was so worried but the weather.. however it held off although not as sunny as 2009, there were short bursts of the sun.

2010 was kicked of by LZ7 who are rocking out with their single This Little Light. The highlight of the entire day was Switchfoot.

Their new CD is awesome! I especially adore their single Mess of Me. Check it out by clicking on the link. To finally see them perform live was a dream come true. The bass lines reverberating through the crowd really defines the notion of the music consuming you. you couldn't help but rock out! Another favourite at the main stage was Toby Mac (founder of Jesus Freak)really got the party going.

The night ended with Hillsong United, fresh off from their world tour.

Aside from the amazing live music, what I like about BCDO is how thousands of christians gather together to praise God and to have a good time with friends and family. Hanging with DH and other friends was great.

DH and I argued a lot though well not really arguing but rubbing each other the wrong way and me getting upset because he doesn't seem to care that he had done just that but we made up too which is the most important thing. I still find it awesome how little things that niggle can cause such big emotions to surface yet we ride the wave by being honest and willing to forgive each other which is essentially what love is!

The Compassion Campaign was in full gear too. I truly believe in the work that this charity does for children all over the world. DH and I sponsor two children from Thailand. Timothy and Lovely. We see first hand the grace of God in their lives and how our sponsoring them really does make a difference.

Another thing about BCDO is the marketplace and food avenue. I got some bargains in the marketplace and got to indulge my love of Higgidy pies from the food avenue even though we packed a very good hamper.

I bought the pie (a chicken pot pie) for lunch the next day. I was so proud of my wicker hamper! It has a floral lining that is reminiscent of Cath Kidston's creations.

Overall, BCDO 2010 was a blast. I will return next year!